I'm Not Always The Nice Girl and I Don't Particularly Care

Someone told me the other day that what I said wasn't "nice". My immediate response was, "Sorry you feel that way." I wasn't being flippant. I was sorry they felt that way, but I wasn't sorry for what I'd said. It was said calmly, gently and truthfully (and they did freakin' ask!!). 

I can live with that.

They were super offended by that comment. I mean like red-faced offended that I wasn't overly concerned that they thought I'd lost my "nice" badge. 

I didn't get it. I still don't. 

Here's my take away from the experience: 

1. "Nice" is something women in particular are expected to strive for. It is the gold standard of adjectives if you are female!

2. "Nice" is an adjective that will be used as a weapon if you dare to be anything other than "Nice" 100% of the time. For me, it's begun to mean that I'm doing what I'm told, no questions asked. Sorry, I'm not gonna be your girl there. I ask questions and I often question authority. Period. 

3. "Nice" is JUST an adjective. There are other ones.

So, in typical Kristi style, I thought about the interaction for almost 4 days because I'm neurotic like that. This is how I assimilate and order the information in my head. I think about the interaction, rip it apart and then feel my feelings to see what feelings I'm actually feeling. 

THEN, I think about what I'm actually feeling and why I feel that way and what I want to do about it or if I want to do anything at all.

Initially, I was hurt that someone thought I wasn't "Nice", which bugged me. Not that I wasn't nice, but that I was hurt. Why would that hurt me?!  

And finally, I looked up the origin of the word "nice" because I love word origins. This TOTALLY reminded me why I love it, too!

 I laughed and laughed and laughed. Know what nice's original meaning is? 

It's derived from Latin "nescius" meaning....wait for it....IGNORANT. From there it took the 14th century by storm as a term for "foolish" or "silly". In the Middle Ages it took on "wantonness" and even "sloth" and then slid into "shyness" or "reserve". I suppose this is where we get our definition. I mean what is a woman if she isn't "shy and reserved", right?!  I am neither of those things, by the way. YAY!! Not kidding. Those are not qualities that I usually admire in anyone. And if you think those are Proverbs 31 qualities, you should re-read the text.

 We're taught from birth that we should be nice. I mean if you didn't want to hug Uncle G, who was a dirty, old, little girl ass grabber, then you weren't a nice little girl, right? If you didn't speak to the lady who spoke to you like dirt when your Mom wasn't around, then you weren't being nice. If you didn't totally want to date the guy who was SUPER nice to you for two entire whole days, then you were NOT a nice girl. You must be into "bad" boys. Again, not nice. 

After rolling that mess around for a while, I've decided that I'm going to strive for other adjectives that actually mean something to me. Ones like intelligent, funny, witty, interesting, driven, passionate, compassionate, generous and honest. (Honesty will quickly knock you out of the "Nice" tribe, so be prepared for that one)

After thinking about all the beautiful adjectives I prefer over "Nice", I couldn't stop thinking about all the nice people I'd known in my life. The ones who really, really embody the adjective. Like they will go to any lengths to maintain that adjective, Nice.

Every single one of them were full of crap. Almost all of them even spoke in that weird voice of high octave, breathy chirpiness that reeks of fake, but we still respond to it, or at least I often do. It wouldn't be "nice" if I didn't, right?

 Now, this is MY experience, so yours may not line up and I'm not knocking the people who strive diligently so that "Nice" will cling to their name for all time. I'm not. I'm just telling you that most of the hard core "nicers" that I've known were most often liars, gossips, fakers and about as deep as a 20 minute summer rain mud hole.

They'd tell you those skinny jeans TOTALLY held that cellulite in and there wasn't a lump in sight, even if you looked like cottage cheese had sprouted legs.

Most of the "Nice" people I know were also massive gossips. They were bubbly and chirpy until someone got about 10 steps away and then all bets were off. But, they'd end their gossip with, "But she's a nice girl and I'm not being mean, though."  And everyone around "Nice" girl would bob their heads because she'd ended her mean gossip by saying she wasn't being mean. Must be true then! And then THEY walked 10 paces away and she'd start in on them. They were all so "nice", though.

And "nice" is also a super general term, isn't it? It doesn't really say anything. Most often it means someone told you what you wanted to hear in a chirpy voice that made you feel all fuzzy. And then we're all like, "AWWWWW! You are so nice." "What a nice thing to say!" "She's so nice."  Bob head up and down in unison. 

People will go to great lengths to be labeled nice and to resist taking that label from someone. We loathe taking away an adjective that we've been convinced has value. We loathe it even more if someone tries to strip if from us, even if we don't place that much value in it.  Nice is what makes us say "Yes" when what we really want to do is scream "NO!!!!" from the top of our lungs. SO WEIRD!!

In all my thinking, I couldn't figure out why this was truth, because it absolutely is.

I'm giving up on nice. There are flat out better things to be that feel more like truth to me so don't feel too bad if you don't think I'm all that nice. I don't, either. 

I'm doing just fine being funny and driven and intelligent and passionate and generous and compassionate and kind and stubborn and brave.  

Kristi

Jennifer Lawrence is the Victim

The internet is all a buzz about those nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and a few other celebrities whose pictures were STOLEN from their phones and then sold to websites to be plastered all over the web for the world to see.  I'm not going to get into a discussion about whether those women "should" have taken those photos. I'm not going to do that because, to me, that's like asking if the woman who was raped should have worn that short skirt. Just because I don't wear short skirts doesn't mean the woman who does deserves to be raped, people.

Do I take nude photos with my phone?  Not today.  But, I've sent my husband some racy stuff over the years that I wouldn't want anyone but my man to see. It was from MY phone to HIS phone. It was private. It was for us. Period.  If some thief steals my husband's phone, the onus is on the thief for being a thief, not me or my man for privately sharing with one another, whether anyone else likes what we shared or not! As a side note:  We've been asked more times than I can remember how we keep our almost 20 year relationship fresh. Someone just asked me last week how David and I have been able still be happy to see one another after "all this time". Well, there's one clue, peeps. He's my husband and I'm allowed to do whatever I want with him and vise versa. You don't have to like it, but I shouldn't be ashamed or fearful of being the victim of some pervert, either!!!

When did we, as a culture, begin to suggest that the victim should feel shame for being victimized? Was it when the raped became the "slut", while the rapist was simply a man unable to control himself? Was it when we began to blow up life sized pictures of women in their panties and plaster them across mall walls and pretend that was a form of feminism?  When did women begin to feel so small that they would tolerate, even be encouraged, to silently accept being barked at on the street by some man unable to form coherent sentences as a form of flattery?  When did women begin to think that keeping silent isn't, at least to some degree, equated with acceptance?  I refuse to accept that Jennifer Lawrence is to blame for this recent scandal that some schmuck has brought to her door.

This isn't just an invasion of someone's privacy, either.  This is basic sexual harrassment and those hackers are sex offenders.  They stole private nude photos of women and then sold them to websites to be posted without those women's permission.  Can you even imagine?! Why should SHE feel shame in that action?  Why is SHE being slyly degraded?  She didn't sell these pictures or pose for them with the intent of selling her body.  Jennifer Lawrence is a talented actress who should be remembered for being a talented actress.  THAT is all that she is selling to the world.  Now, she'll forever be associated with taking private photos of her own body that was, frankly, no one's business but her own. 

I'm disgusted by most of the comments I've read and most of the articles on the subject.  The commenters and blog authors keep getting sidetracked with whether her private life was acceptable to them personally.  They keep getting pulled into a moral discussion about someone's life whom they've never even met or had a conversation with.  The sideline bullies keep judging someone they don't know because Jennifer's actions wouldn't have been their actions, therefore, Jennifer Lawrence must deserve what she got.

And do you know what?  Most of these bullies and thief cheerleaders are WOMEN!!  I'm disgusted by it and appalled that any woman would support what happened to these women.  I'm disgusted that not one person has questioned why it's only women who had their phones hacked and their private photos posted for the world to view. Because we all know that there are plenty of narcissistic male celebrities who have some racy stuff on their phones but no one would judge them in the same light, so why bother?! And we fall for it every single time.

Here's to hoping that everyone reading this doesn't actually get what they deserve and here's to hoping none of us have our private lives unwillingly displayed for all the world to see and judge. I'm guessing most of us would be nothing more than the girl in the short skirt who was begging for it if people could see some of our more vulnerable moments in the privacy of our homes.

And to Jennifer Lawrence: I'm sorry some bully invaded your privacy and your safe space. I hope they get what they deserve for victimizing you and that you feel safe in the privacy of your own home sooner rather than later.