Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My Random Crazy Beautiful Life

Sometimes, sharing my life with five other people makes me crazy.

Four of those people were physically cut out of my body and I wanted them with all my heart and still, they can drive me bat-crap crazy.  I love my husband and basically he is like my right arm because I've known him since I was 13 and we even dated for a while in high school but he was crazy back then so we didn't get married for eleven more years. Sometimes, he's still crazy and sometimes I join him on the crazy train and then we're both crazy.  And sometimes, I'm crazy and he waves at me as the crazy train goes by because he absolutely refuses to join me on the ride. I'm grateful for that later. Usually.

The other day I screamed at my kids. They weren't really doing anything other than being kids, but I screamed at them anyway. My heart was heavy for the rest of the day until my fifteen year old came into my bedroom where it's possible that I was maybe hiding in shame and he hugged me for no reason other than because he loves me anyway, even when I'm not really doing the Mom thing all that well.  I keep reminding myself he learned that from me and love people even when they're not being super loveable. Awesomesauce! 

Last Saturday, I needed to clean in the worst way because we had company coming over but cooking dinner was all I could manage, so my man swept the house and we basically shoved everything else under the beds because I just couldn't.  We still had a great time, though. I have cool friends like that. I think they probably went to the bathroom while they were here and I was thankful I didn't hear anyone scream from peeking behind the shower curtain at the experimental penicillin ring I had going on in the shower that day. I cleaned it a few days later and I may should have saved some of it for testing. 

Today, I took my oldest daughter to get her hair cut and I was scared she would hate it because she hacked most of it off but she insisted it's what she wanted and, frankly, it's her hair so I let her. Secretly, I was kind of thinking I'd let her have it cut and then she'd hate it and she'd learn all those lessons about listening to her mom.

 I was wrong and she was right. She looks cuter than cute. I didn't tell her, but I cried a little because she looks so grown up and I'm watching time steal my baby from me and I'm both sad and glad, all at the same time. She's kind of fabulous and mature and smart and sassy and I love it because I often think she's the type of woman that I always choose to be great friends with! But, she's also kind of fabulous and mature and smart and sassy and it scares me because she's growing up and I hope she wants to be my friend one day when SHE'S grown up.

We had lunch after the haircut and she told me all about how "cute" so-and-so is and I wanted to punch him in the face a little but then she flowed right into conversation about this REALLY cool cartoon (her words) and I felt a little better. I mean, how gone can she be if she still gets tickled over a cartoon, right?  RIGHT?!

My boys are now 20 and 15 and my girls will be 14 and 11 at the end of this month.  I'm thrilled that one day soon it'll be just David and me!! And I'm heart broken that one day'll be just David and me!!  I'm holding out for some grandbabies before we empty the house of our own, but if that's not my children's choice for their lives, then I hope they know their little pitter patters in the house made mine and their Daddy's heart sing and dance and cringe!!!  (God, please let them experience that so they will understand the fullness of my heart when I use those words!!!)

Sometimes, this life seems slow and plain and simple. Almost provincial.  Then, I'm caught up in the crazy roller coaster again, longing for time to slow, the clock to pause and I remember, I see, the beauty of every day moments that aren't every day at all.  They are THIS day and this day will never return. There will be no do-overs or re-dos of this specific moment and I'm infinitely, painfully, grateful for the five beautiful people that God has so graciously allowed me to share my life, my time, my love, with. 

It is crazy, but it's my crazy.  And I'm thankful.

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