Sunday, November 2, 2014

Cheesecake with Friends and a Letter to my Kids

I had some of my closest girlfriends over this past Saturday for lunch.  We ate cheesecake first, then had some salad. Yep. In that order. That's how we roll. (I hope you have friends like that.)  The conversation inevitably moved around to our kids because that's how we roll, too. 

We have sixteen kids between the four of us and we all home educate, so we have lots and lots to talk about when our kids come up, but one of the things that almost always arises from me is that I hope (pray fervently!) that I don't screw my kids up too much.  As parents, we know it's gonna happen a little bit, but please, please, please God don't let me pass on all of my crazy to my kids. 

I had some pretty critical people involved in my childhood and so my inner voice is a little like nails on a chalkboard when she reminds me how awful I am and that voice sometimes comes out of my mouth.  I'm a little afraid of mostly everything, even though I try really hard to hide it and can sometimes do dumb stuff in my efforts to NOT be afraid of everything. 

I don't want my kids to be afraid of anything. I want them to be fearless and know they can do anything they set their mind to. (Except be Batman. I want someone else to be Batman because he is ALWAYS in trouble and he seems kind of dark.)

So anyway, here's my letter to my kids with all the things I wish I could say really well but I can't because I tend to write my heart better than I speak it:

Dear Most Beautiful Four People I Have Ever Met in my Whole Life,

Words are your Mom's love language. I know you can attest to this because you hear so many words from me all the time.  It's important for me to make sure I've said the right words to you, though. Words without my mouth moving but instead, my pen, because I think I'm most honest with my words on paper. 

I had a conversation with my girlfriends the other day and I admitted to them that I am scared half to death that I'll screw up this whole parenthood thing.  I'm scared that I will forget to tell you every single day that you humble me and make me a better human being.  I'm scared that sometimes when you do something small, and I scream about something that doesn't even matter, you will remember that instead of the french toast and bacon we shared that morning and my heart sang when you smiled through your maple syrup because you loved it. 

Frankly, sometimes you scare the fun right out of me, though, and I know it seems like I'm Mom-zilla.  When that happens, I hope you'll remember this letter and most of all remember that I love you. I love you just like you are and I think that you may be the coolest four people to ever grace the planet in the history of ever and I pray Every. Single. Day. that I will get better and better at being your Mom. 

Here's the thing:  You need to know that screwing up is entirely possible on my part. It is well within my capacity to completely mess up sometimes. And still, I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond. I pray the Grace that we talk about so often is sticking to your heart like glue and I'm amazed by you all the time. 

 You make me laugh, too, and that alone is worth more than gold to me because laughing is sometimes hard for me. Thank you for that.

I think you four are Fabulous. Mesmerizing. Special. Unique. Generous. All the great things and all the words that are used so rarely because so few things live up to their meaning...that's what you guys are to me. You remind me what Love looks like.

You remind me to have Faith and not be so scared of screwing you up with my junk because I see what awesome people you're turning out to be. I see you learning from your mistakes and how you're still brave enough to take chances and be willing to make more mistakes and figure this whole life thing out and that makes me feel brave, too.

And so you give me Hope.  And Hope is no small thing.  I think it may be the easiest thing to lose when I'm scared, but then there the four of you are. You blind me sometimes with your ability to forgive and love. And my Hope grows and I thank God that He choose me to be your Mom.  You humble me and I'm grateful. 

But greater, by far, than even Faith or Hope is the Love I feel for you.  I want only the best things and the good things for you.  I know Life will throw you curve balls and right hooks sometimes and that scares me, too.  (I want to punch Life in the face a little bit thinking about all the things you'll have to face one day as you grow to be who God means for you to be.)  

But, I want you to know...KNOW...that I have always got your back. (I will make Michonne and Daryl and Batman look like kittens if somebody messes with you, baby!).  I'm here for you, no matter what (even if you decide to be Batman).  

I want you to know that Life is hard but you can do hard things. I've seen you do them already. 

I want you to know that I have seen you be brave and kind and generous and compassionate and you can do the hard things and make it through them as stronger, smarter, more humble people. 

Enjoy your gifts and never, ever be afraid to share them. Be kind, be loving. Those are sometimes the hardest things to be but I know you can because I've already seen each of you be those things and I pray that God will show me how to cultivate those gifts in you and not squish them in my (wrong) desire to be super parent. 

One day, you'll be grown and, God-willing, I'll be able to write you another letter to tell you what awesome adults you are, too. I'm praying for you every single day. Life is always tough but there are some pretty fabulous things heading your way, too. What I want you to know is that you are four of the very best, most fabulous things that has ever happened to me and I love you so much that my heart is bigger and better because of you. 

Thank you for being four of my most favorite people ever. You are so precious to me.

All the Love, 


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