Praise for the Pain and Letting it Go!

Letting go is probably the hardest thing in the world for me to do. Letting go feels like I'm ripping off some vital organ and beating myself with it.  Who knows?  Maybe I was.

 I used to take the worst relationships in my life and cling to them like they were the last crack dealer on the entire planet and I was a hard core addict. 

Part of what makes it hard for me to let go of anything is flat out co-dependency, which I have in spades. Ask a codependent to fix something relationally broken and watch them break out into a cold sweat of pure longing while their broken interior voice whispers maliciously into their ear that if they fix it...then they will be loved.

Psychology says this is typically because co-dependents view others behaviors as a reflection of their self-worth.  In other words, if I can fix this, THEN you'll love me.  If I can be "good enough", THEN you'll love me.  If you can accept me, THEN I'll be good enough. This is not love. This has nothing to do with love.  This is the opposite of love.

 But, the other part that makes letting go of bad relationships very hard for me is that I've been listening to the world's idea of what I should be doing for a very, very long time.  I want my life to look like what it "should" look like.  I was taught that how things look matters.  A lot.

 I wanted my life to look like a beautiful rainbow of peace, fun, loud mouthed family meals and people who love me with the same rabid passion that I loved them. I wanted them to trust in my goodness and love as much as I trusted in theirs. 

When people that you trust and love don't trust in your goodness and love, then you begin to question if you have goodness and love in you. This is crippling. This will cost you thousands of dollars in therapy later in life. Trust me on that. 

 I want the people in my life to think the same happy thoughts for me that I think for them. I want them to include me in the same way that I include them.  This is dangerous territory.

Learning that you must let go of those relationships, possibly even the idea of those relationships, will free you and cause you intense pain. Intense pain that must be endured to heal and come out the other side more whole than you've ever been up to this point.

Alas, one of the reasons it's been so quiet around here is that I've been dealing with loss and I don't deal with loss very well.  Frankly, I suck at it. 

I don't want to lose anything. Ever. I want to WIN!  I want to win at everything all the time in every way that winning can happen, especially when it comes to loving someone and having them love me in return. 

But, here's the thing:  Winning relationally had a very specific pictorial set-up in my head. What my relationships "should" look like had blinded me from seeing how they actually WERE. This is dangerous territory and every therapist, even the bad ones, agree on that. 

Refusing to see the reality of the relationships in your life is dangerous territory, no matter who that relationship is with.

Life HAD to look like that picture in my head or I wasn't OK!!  I was happily willing to lie to myself about the health of a relationship if it meant the relationship wasn't over yet. 

So, I've had to re-learn what relational winning looks like because the way it looked in my head was entirely different than what was happening in my life and it caused me intense pain for a long, long time. Pain that opened the door for me to be abused and mistreated. The pain of staying in the relationship finally became more than the pain of losing the relationship.

God Himself says that if you do not honor the relational rules He has laid out as acceptable, then you may not enter His house.  He still loves and He still cares, but there are boundaries.

So, I took a step back. (the first step is ALWAYS the hardest, by the way)  Then recently, I took another step back.  And suddenly, the picture becomes more clear, more manageable.  More healthy.  More true.   

And I realized that I cannot love anyone if I am not loving myself.  Loving myself includes removing people from my life who are either incapable of loving me or unwilling to love me. 

It does not mean that I wish them ill-will.  It doesn't mean I don't care for them. It simply means that I am choosing to limit the access certain people can have in my life and into my heart.  It means that I am the boss of me and as an adult it is my responsibility to take care of myself.  

Once that decision was made in my heart, it was like the sun came out from a long, gray winter and spring was near. 

Not long now...

I realized that I am surrounded by love.  

My incredible husband and our four precious children. They love me.  They love me fully and allow me to love them fully.

My absolutely bombastic friends who are there for me in a "we're going to rise together" kind of way.

A cousin whom I love like a true sister and I know she loves me that way in return. We have been friends and soul sisters since we were children playing together at our grandmother's home more than 40 years ago. She knows me all the way down to my deepest heart and she still looks at me like I'm better than chocolate. 

That same cousins children, who are very much like my own. They make my heart actually sing they are such fabulous young people.

 My church family who seriously should win some kind of award for being the most awesome church family in the history of church families.  It's like the church family lottery up in here, people.

Some homeschooling mothers who are always, always encouraging and uplifting and inspiring to me. Every. Single. Time. 

Another cousin who models what a loving aunt truly is.  She brings me to tears with the genuine affection she consistency showers on her two nephews. She values them in much the same way she values her own two boys and it's positively a beautiful thing. 

I had been surrounded by real, true love all this time that I'd been chasing love from people who simply cannot love me right now.  I had been telling myself that it was all my fault that they did not love me.  It was my fault that they simply did not like me.  

And the truth is that maybe it is my fault.  Maybe who I really am is simply not the kind of person that they can love or like very much.  That's OK.

The harsher truth is that I don't like them very much, either. I had to learn that that was absolutely OK, too. 

 I love me. I like me. And I am surrounded by love.

I am surrounded by people who know me intimately and who allow me to love them with crazy passion and joy.  There is no fear involved in loving the people that I have chosen to allow into my life.  THAT is what love should look like.

Pain will always accompany letting go and loss, though. I think it should.  

Praise should accompany the pain.  Praise that we have loved someone. Praise that we still love them, even if it's from afar and the relationship is gone. 

And then the pain begins to lesson because love is forever, even when it isn't. 

This is Grace. This is still Love. 

Truth and Codependency

I've been absent for a while.  I missed some of you who read and email me regularly.  I've had good reason to be away and I've decided to share that with you guys.  Mostly because I'm starting to believe that every single experience we have is for our good.  And then it's so we can share to help someone else.  Maybe lots of someones....

My grandfather died of cirrhosis of the liver.  One of my uncles, that same grandfather's son, was an alcoholic.  Both my brothers are addicts/alcoholics. Actually, my oldest brother died this year and you can read about that here if you'd like.  I have at least 5 cousins who are addicts/alcoholics. One is actually seeking help right now and has given guardianship of her only child to someone else in our family while she enters rehab.  I've been married twice and both my ex and my current are recovering alcoholics/addicts.  To say that addiction may have affected my life would be like saying if you jump off the roof, you might hit the ground.

I've learned some whacked out stuff by being surrounded by addicts since birth.  I've learned that addicts are the best liars known to man.  No really...they can look you in the face and hold your hand, while you're crying and begging, and tell you that they did not, do not, will not EVER, relapse, no matter what...ever.  And they'll have a vodka bottle hidden somewhere with pills stuffed in their pocket.  Literally.  They will be stealing from your purse while they kneel at your feet begging your forgiveness.  I am NOT exaggerating that information, people.

I've learned that addiction is like a disease but not like a disease. Cancer is a straight out disease. Arthritis is a disease.  You usually just get those through no fault of your own and do the best you can with the treatments that are available. You hope. Addiction is like that in that you have something that is ravaging you and everyone around you.  The difference is that the addict actually IS the cure.  They have to CHOOSE to no longer seek out their disease.  It's a conundrum.  Yeah...let's go with that.  A conundrum is defined as a riddle who's answer is or involves a pun.  Addiction is a conundrum. The addict HAS a disease (sort of) AND the addict themselves, literally, hold the cure inside themselves, too. You don't have much hope with addiction.  You have to have will power, conviction and lots of therapy to readjust your thinking. Forever.  Yeah...it's a long process, but worth it.

I've learned that addiction can't successfully exist without a codependent.   There may be some argument to that statement, but it's absolute truth based on everything I've ever experienced.  Alcohol and dope don't buy themselves.  Money doesn't grow on trees.  They have to get money to fund their addiction.  Most addicts don't own homes (not usually for long, anyway) and they have to have somewhere to live.  Addicts don't work for long periods at the same place and someone has to take up the slack.  Addicts have to eat, too. I've yet to see food grow on trees for longer than a few months if you include fruit trees, so someone is feeding them.  Addicts lose interest in everything but themselves and yet you see them everywhere...always with someone.  That someone will be their codependent if the addict is practicing.  It's typically a spouse or parent who falls into this role.  They do it to "help".  ...you can't hear or see me, but I actually grimace every single time I read or type that word in relation to an addict in the context I'm using the word...

I've learned that addicts can't be "helped", unless you include the word "self" before the word help.  The only kind of help that an addict can get is self-help.  Period.

I am codependent.  Can you be patient with me while I re-type that for myself? (it's the first time I've said it to anyone but myself, my husband and my therapist)  I am co-dependent.  Even knowing that every person on the planet is "f"ing crazy in one way or another, it has been so dang hard for me to accept.  That I am codependent is still hard for me.  But, I guess that's better than not knowing what the heck was wrong with me as I gave the illusion that control was my middle name.  Unless you knew me VERY well (I have two people who knew me well enough to know better...in my entire life, up to this point), most people would have told you that I was in charge, controlled and "had it together".

Can I whisper to you that I so did not have it together?  I can distinctly remember at least 10 times that people used that phrase directly to my face and everything inside me would recoil....because I knew it was a lie.  And one that I had worked very, very hard to cultivate.  It was BS.  Sorry about that.  But, I'm pretty sure that it also saved me.  Had I not worked hard at control, I damn well may have broken into about 4,693 pieces by the time I was 21....just splattered out on the ground. We all have to get there at our own pace, I guess.

I read a great story just last week that will better define what I mean.  I'll paraphrase it here:

Bill's parents came to see a well known addiction counselor in their area about their son.  Bill was 24, lived at home, didn't work and had friends who lived very sketchy lives, as well.  He was on drugs and drank heavily.  Bill, of course, didn't think he had a problem.  So, Bill's parents were coming to get Bill some help.

"Where's Bill", the counselor asked after speaking to them for 15 minutes or so.

"Well, Bill didn't want to come because he doesn't think he has a problem", replied his parents.

"Maybe, he doesn't", said the counselor.

With mouths hanging open, both parents sputtered that of course Bill has problems.  "Didn't you just hear anything we said?!  We've sent him to three colleges and he's quit them all!!  We've paid for rehab.  We've bought him two cars so he could get back and forth to work, but he's wrecked them both and STILL doesn't work. He totaled the last one so badly we were afraid to get him another one!  He lives in our basement and he'll be 25 in just two weeks!!!  Did you just say that he might not have any problems?!"...they both screeched, with voices ending somewhere around dog whistle level. 

"Yes, I did.  Let me rephrase", replied the counselor.  "You are taking responsibility for a grown man and you are miserable.  Your son, who is that grown man, is out of control, irresponsible and perfectly happy.  Does that about sum it up?"

"Yes",  both reluctantly replied.

"Well, would you like me to help you help Bill have some problems?", the counselor asked.

And then the light bulb very slowly and very reluctantly went off for both parents.  Over the course of a 6 month time frame, Bill's parents learned that they were codependent.  They learned what that means and how to heal themselves by letting their grown son grow up.  They learned to live THEIR lives and stop trying to control Bill's life.  They learned that only an addict can help themselves or they will forever be crippled by a disease that only they can cure. They may forever be crippled by it anyway...and the rest of the world is still not responsible.

Bill's parents were, obviously, co-dependent.

I'd like to tell you that Bill turned out perfectly and all is peachy keen.  I don't know that,  because the story ended there. I had to trust that while Bill may finally be miserable due to his life choices, that Bill's parents may have found peace and finally be dealing with their own lives instead of unsuccessfully trying to control Bill's life. I hope that Bill has sought out professional help because his misery was his own and not being owned by someone else.  I'm learning what that means for myself, too.

I began the early part of this year knowing that I had the ear of a publisher willing to possibly publish a book on the victims of addiction.  I'm not shelving that, but right now we are negotiating the possibility of writing a much more needed book about codependency and how to heal from that.  Right now, that book inside me feels like one that is terribly needed by so many.

Co-dependents don't JUST surround addicts, by the way.  All addicts have co-dependents, but co-dependents don't always have an addict.  Workaholics, that person that can NEVER say no, that gossipy chick who knows everyones business but her own, or even that drama queen who needs drama to feel anything because she is so numb...those are ALL co-dependents. They have "other" control and no "self" control.  Yeah, we all know one and you can trust me when I tell you that they are internally miserable. 

I would like to encourage anyone who is living their life trying to "help" an addict or even those who recognize that they have "other" control, but no self-control, to seek help.  You have a problem.  The good news is you do NOT have a disease.  You have a life that has been trained to respond wrongly to the needs and wants of someone else and to ignore what you need and want.  You have a life that is consumed with trying to control someone else or anyone but yourself. You are numb.  You have a life that is waiting on you out there in the real world and it's one that you deserve and is worth living.

You'll hear much more on this topic from me, but for right now I'm just going to say...  YOU ARE NOT ALONE and YOU ARE OK.  Find help, pray, get support and let go.  Just, let go...the world really will keep revolving when you do.  Who knows...you may actually find that the world has been quietly waiting for you to let go so you could become who YOU are supposed to be instead of trying to control what someone else has become.