When Jesus Came to Hang Out for Two Days

Here's a story for you:

Back in Jesus' day, the Pharisees, Sadducee and religious leaders walked to Jerusalem because, you know, they didn't have cars. The shortest route to Jerusalem from a lot of places the leaders lived or met was straight through Samaria. 

Samaritans were ostracized by church leaders and Jews back then kind of like certain groups are ostracized by church goers today (nothing new under the sun, people). 

So, these church leaders would walk AROUND Samaria to get to Jerusalem. The first time I read that in a concordance and did the research I almost laughed. Ya'll, it added almost a week to their travel. 

A WEEK!!!!!!!

If something is gonna add 15 minutes to my travel time I get antsy. I would ride through pitch black forests with signs declaring Deliverance type antics with banjos playing in the background before adding A WEEK to my travel time.

But, these religiously pious leaders would walk around this city to avoid the Samaritans. What?!

Now listen, these two groups have a long history that we aren't going to cover here. A lot of it was that it's sometimes toughest to love your neighbor who is just next door, especially if their political, economic, social, religious rituals and customs don't match yours. With today's social media culture, fear is more common than love and hype is more common than grass growing outside. We're not good neighbors anymore, ya'll. We aren't. It's a little like the Samaritans and Jews out there.

So they avoided the people they didn't like and claimed God didn't like them, either.

Not Jesus. He walked right up in the middle of it. Smack dab through Samaria.

You may remember the woman at the well Jesus met and changed her life so much that she ran back into the town to tell everyone about this guy she'd met. He met her in Samaria.

This lady had been married 5 times and was currently living with number 6. She was at the well alone because she had to come at a time when the other women weren't getting water because she was such a "bad sinner" that she wasn't allowed to go with the other ladies.  I guess they thought her promiscuity would rub off or something. I don't know. 

Not Jesus. He cozied up and had a nice long conversation with her right there in public. 

And you know what? He didn't use her sinful life as a starting point in the conversation, nor did he point out how awesome He was for coming around and talking to her. He didn't act better than her or more enlightened than her or fearful of her. AND HE IS GOD. He just talked to her and swapped thoughts and conversed with her like she mattered. Know why? Because we all matter to God. Every single one of us.

In fact, it was her who said, "Hey. You're a Jew. In case you forgot, you guys don't talk to us" 

Jesus just says, "Yeah, that's how they do it here, but if you knew who I was you'd ask me for a drink and I'd give you some Living Water."  Basically, he's telling her he couldn't care less where she comes from or what the "rules" were, He'd still bless her if she'd let Him. Jesus is awesome like that.

She ends up telling Him all about herself and he said, "Yeah. That's true, you've done those things." He talks to her about a time that is coming when no one will have to come through Samaria to get to Jerusalem. He tells her that a time is coming when we can worship in our Spirit and in Truth. She's the first person he confirms fully that HE IS THE CHRIST. 

His disciples show up with some food about this time and they're like, "Ummm, Jesus? What in the world are you doing talking to this woman?"  They actually don't say that out loud; the Bible tells us they were just thinking it. Same thing, ya'll. Same thing.

After the woman leaves Jesus to go back into town and tell everyone she meets about this guy she met down at the well, the disciples try to get Jesus to eat. He says, I've got what I need. I'm eating bread from my Father. He tells them that his food, the thing that is sustaining Him, is to do the will of His father.

He tells them to open their eyes because the people needing Him, the Bread of Life and the Living Water, are all around them!! He tells them that God is showing them the harvest of souls! They are right in front of your face, He tells his closest pals. 

Boiling it down, Jesus tells them you are missing it because your eyes are closed with your preconceived notions and you need to get over yourselves. Samaritans NEED me, too, and you are letting your fear and your racism and your feelings and your ideas of what's right and wrong determine who YOU think is worthy!

Jesus pretty much made up the saying, "GET WOKE", ya'll. 

Look at all these people who need me so desperately and you are WALKING AROUND THEIR CITY TO AVOID HAVING TO SEE THEM.

About that time, lots of people from the town showed up at the well. Lots of Samaritans.They were coming because of all the woman had told them. You know people love to rubberneck. 

And you know what? He stayed in Samaria for TWO MORE DAYS because they asked Him to stay. He visited and hung out. He ate with them and loved on them. He taught them about God because He IS God so He kind of couldn't do anything else but be who He was and is and IS TO COME. (Jesus doesn't change. He'd still be hanging with the people others avoid.)

This Jew hung out in Samaria with people reviled by his people for two more days. And many were saved. 

And MANY were saved. 

Because Jesus showed up where religious people pretending to have it all figured out wouldn't go. Because Jesus just loved them. Because Jesus listened to them and loved them and ate with them and changed them.

They weren't saved because all those religious leaders of that day avoided them so they'd learn their lesson! Or because a Jew explained how wrong they were and the Samaritans suddenly understood how far off the track they were from being right. 

They weren't saved because they started being something other than a Samaritan. They weren't saved by anything other than the love Jesus poured on them and their willingness to accept it. 

So, I've been thinking. If Jesus showed up today -  just came back for a visit to hang out for two days - where would he show up?

California, maybe? (laugh...that was funny)  

Maybe a gay bar? This will smack with Evangelicals because homosexuality has become the mantra for sin and that mantra is becoming more important than the PEOPLE who are gay. This has nothing to do with Christ and he would NOT walk around a gay bar. He'd walk up in it and love those people made in HIS image. Period. And you know what? MANY WOULD BE SAVED. 

And then the restoration would start and it wouldn't look a thing like what we pretend it looks like today.

Maybe he'd show up in a Muslim mosque or smack dab in the middle of Mecca? Maybe close to that middle school with that kid who gets bullied, but they're weird and don't fit in so no one really pays it much attention? 

Maybe he'd show up in the middle of the ocean on a raft filled with Syrians refugees desperately trying to find safe harbor?

Maybe he'd show up with the young woman who just had an abortion? Maybe he'd show up at a riot in the middle of someone busting up someone's livelihood?  

AND MANY WOULD BE SAVED.

Here's what I know about Jesus, based on Scripture: 

He wouldn't spend much time at the places where people who claim to have Him all figured out were showing up, because the last time He showed up He didn't hang out with them much, either. 

He wouldn't show up anywhere that claimed to be sin free but Jesus filled because they'd stone Him...or hang Him. Those people loathe the real Jesus. He's radical and fearless and loving and doesn't much care what your rules are because HE makes the rules and He said to LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, even if your neighbor has opposing political beliefs and comes from a different country and is gay and drinks too much and smokes a lot or wears immodest clothes or marches in rallies that you don't agree with or busts out windows in a riot. 

He said love them if they were snotty and judgemental and racist and self-righteous and self-absorbed and rude, too.

We don't get to make the rules. (Thank God!)

He wouldn't show up anywhere the lost didn't hang out. He wouldn't show up at a place that tried to keep the hurting and lost away with rules and regulations and judgements. 

He wouldn't show up at a place where money was more important than people without saying, "Give up your possessions (that thing you love more then ME) and then we'll talk".

He wouldn't show up where pious, religiousness forced people outside.

He'd show up in the very places that most people, especially religion loving people, wouldn't expect Him to go. 

His ways are not our ways. His ways rarely align with ways that make us comfortable in our flesh.

The narrow gate is shaped just like Jesus. It is a Jesus shaped gate. The only way through it is to accept that He's the ONLY way to it. You have to. 

But, Jesus didn't shove that down people's throat or yell at them standing on the street corner. 

He came where they were. He walked THROUGH Samaria. Not around it. He didn't avoid the lost and the hurting or the vile and oppressed or those with sin filled lives (that's all of us, in case you're confused on that point) or people different from Him . HE LOVED THEM AND WENT WHERE THEY LIVED.

I'm so thankful for that truth. I can't live up to all those other rules. I can't even get the head covering part in Corinthians right!

I can try the best I can with all the strength that I have and God will graciously give me the grace and love for what I can't handle, but I can't reach the bar of perfection. (pisses me off, too)

And then, Grace shows up and says, "You don't have to be perfect right now. You are perfect in Me but only because I am perfect. I'm here and I'm working on you and you're going to be OK. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. Now go and Love others. I'll do the rest."

And I can breath again. Grace says the same thing to everyone. This is what He says because He SO LOVES THE WORLD.

I'm called to submit MYSELF fully to God and to love OTHERS. That's my job.

Because that's what Jesus did. When his sandals met the dusty road on this planet, Jesus hung out with sinners. He hung out with those "Most Likely To NOT Get In Synagogue".  Shoot, He loved a guy He knew would betray Him so well the other 11 disciples didn't even know which one it would be! Jesus didn't play around with loving others exactly as they were, right where they happened to be.

Either we're going to be like Jesus, or we're going to make a ton of excuses about why we're right and we just can't do that.  There is no gray area.

Love is the narrow gate and we miss it every single day. It's so much harder than the wide gate. Hating and judging and conforming are what the world already does. Being fearful and refusing to bend, that's what the world does every day, all day. Doing those things confirms in our flesh that we are right and we humans LOVE to be right. We tend to lean unto our own understanding so often God has to warn us against it in the book of Psalms.

Pretending like our way is the law and we have it figured out is a worldly trait. That is the wide gate.

Your flesh will always tend toward doing what feels good, what makes you feel (falsely) safe and what makes life easier for you. That's probably not going to be the road through Samaria.

But, you're also going to miss Jesus because He mostly shows up in the least likely places with the people no one else wants to sit with at lunch. He is found in the Samarias of the world, sitting by a well, talking to a woman most people called a whore and a loser and avoided because it was against the "rules" to just love her.

Think long and hard about where Jesus went in the Bible. Those are the places He's still going. He doesn't change; He's the same now as He was then.

As for me and my house, we're going to try our best to walk straight through and I think we'll find Jesus sitting right there, still at that well, offering Living Water that He then expects me to pour back out, still filled with the love it had when I received that endless supply, free of charge. 

He expects me to love them and when they ask why I'm loving them when others avoid them I'm supposed to say, "I met this guy at a well once when I was thirsty, lonely and alone. Wanna here about Him?"

The end.  

K

I Used to Be A Porcupine (And the 5 Stages of Grief)

Grief, and the process of healing, deserves attention because it's holy. Getting well is a holy thing, ya'll. Grief and Pain change us in the deepest, truest, ways.

I think we come here pretty broken and get even more broken as our lives move forward. We adopt our parent's brokenness and our friends and family's brokenness. We adopt the world's idea of who we should be and how we should do things and this breaks us even more. It's up to us to determine what needs to remain broken and what must be repaired with holy glue. 

God made us the stewards of ourselves. He chose to make us the boss of us. He expects us to handle his creation with care.

In my head, I'm writing this post to 2 particular people that wrote to me who've never been to therapy and had no support in their efforts to try to get help. I don't know them personally, but I know their Spirits and their hearts. I know their hurt and their truth.

I get a LOT of questions about therapy and how it helped me and what I learned. These 2 women had a lot of questions but admitted they had a negative view of therapy. Therapy is still a taboo subject in a lot of ways. People flinch a little when the word therapy comes up, I think. 

Wellness, like beauty, warms people and brokenness, like intellect, will cool them. 

Brokenness will cause some people to cool to you because your brokenness reflects a part of themselves they aren't ready or willing to face (because we are ALL broken in some way) or because brokenness can often manifest in ways that are just flat out unpleasant.

I've talked openly about my therapy. It was extensive, it was long and I'm not done yet. I may never be done with therapy because I am never going to be done with myself and, for me, therapy helps me see myself clearly.

First, I need to touch on this: Almost every email I've received asked me how I got better in some form or another, directly or indirectly. The truth is that I don't much like the word "better". It implies that I was less than, at some point. I wasn't. I just wasn't well equipped to deal with where I was at the time.

So, I went and bought myself some equipment. The equipment was knowledge and understanding that began with therapy. I didn't get "better". I became more aware and more equipped. I learned a new skill. Same person, new skills.

I will continue to increase that skill for the rest of my life.

We are all either getting more equipped or we're staying in the same place. I am not a fan of stagnation. Funky junk grows in stagnant places.

Through the emails I receive, I learned that too many people think grieving is a structured process with a time limit. Almost every person that wrote me have people in their lives who are judging their grief. PS...if you are one of those people who think grief and/or pain has a time limit and you get to determine what that limit should be, please stop. Today.

So, here's the thing: I'm not a therapist. I'm not an expert. I'm just a woman who's on a journey and I like to write. 

But, I hear you. 

So, here's some more of my journey up to this point.

The first thing we all have to do is recognize where you are on the spectrum and call the Pain what it is: GRIEF. MOURNING. HURT. LOSS. There is zero shame in those words. You do not have to feel shame for being in pain. 

You don't even have to pretend. I've cried sitting in a restaurant while people stared. I'd gotten to the place that their imagined truth about me simply didn't matter as much as my actual truth. And in that moment, the truth was I was sitting in a restaurant when the pain became overwhelming. But I was also hungry. So, I ate and cried and ate some more.

Pain is a much bigger and truer teacher than Joy. Pain will teach you truth that no other emotion or feeling has the power to teach. Pain teaches us compassion in ways no lighter emotion has the capacity to teach.

Maybe that's why God allows us to go through it? I don't know, I just know it's true. 

One of the first things I learned in therapy is that grief (pain, mourning, hurting) usually has stages or steps. By learning what they were, I could recognize them and then think instead of reacting. Reacting is rarely a good thing. 

The 5 stages of grief are pretty universal but not necessarily linear (this is important). They were originally applied to people grieving the loss of a loved one (Kubler-Ross model), but have since been applied to all kinds of grief: divorce, sexual abuse, terminal illness, etc...   Really any kind of loss or grief.  

Everyone will experience each stage differently. Some people may circle around to one stage or another until they learn what they need to learn and some people may only visit each stage once and soak up the lessons quickly. There are NO RULES TO GRIEF AND PAIN except these: Do no harm and don't allow others to harm you.

 Say it again: THERE ARE NO RULES TO GRIEF and PAIN. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. 

You get to feel however you feel. Period. 

You can't normalize a deeply abnormal time, or times, in your life.

Grieving in this way is not "normal" but it is universal. We all must walk in the dark at some point. The only real choice we have is what equipment we choose to take with us when the darkness comes. 

I once flailed around, smiling like a loon, pretending to be fine, even though I was drowning. It worked for a long time until it didn't. Here's the basics of how I stopped flailing and pretending.

The 5 stages of grief (sadness, heartache, whatever word you like more) are : Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. 

You may or may not experience these all at once. You may or may not experience these more than once. You may or may not experience these in this order, but most likely you will to some degree. Your walk will not look like any other's path, but I'll give you a run down of how mine looked.

I denied I had a problem(s) and almost every single person does this with some aspect of their life. Healthy people and unhealthy people.

I was strong, successful and smart. I am fine. I'm fine. I may have a temper like the 7th layer of hell and be more controlling than Kim Jong-Un, but I am fine.

I AM FINE. Porcupine quills engage!

I held on to fine for as long as I could and that may have saved my life. I may have broken into a million pieces if I'd tried to move past "fine" and denial any sooner than I did. There's no proof of that except that I'm still here. I'll take it. 

Denial was my longest step, but also the one I am least likely to revisit at this point in my journey. I've become a pro at recognizing denial and kicking it's ass. If you aren't there yet, then you're not. It's not a race.

Anger has been my companion throughout my life. I've learned that those in close proximity to addicts almost always carry anger with them, whether acknowledged or not.

 I was short tempered, and impatient. I still struggle with patience.

I went through life as a porcupine. Don't get too close or I will hurt you back. I expected hurt from others. It's what I knew. I expected others to overlook me, so I made sure they didn't (You may do the opposite. You may become a little mouse and then resent it when people overlook you. No one handles this in the exact same way). I expected others to be fake, so I was extra harsh to force them into what I considered "real" emotions. Controlling and anger are cousins. Piss off a control freak and you will see the relationship.

Anger isn't always screaming and shouting, either. I am not much of a screamer when I'm angry. Anger is how we survive the pain and our core survives through the Pain and Grief. 

There are still days that I struggle with anger to an unhealthy degree. We are works in progress and I am learning how to feel the anger, determine if I have a legitimate reason to be angry and then either release it or take care of myself by expressing it in a healthy way. Mostly. (This is extra tricky for women. We're told being angry or mad and expressing it is wrong and/or makes us bitches. It's OK to be angry. That's not the kind we're talking about.We are talking about anger that can't be resolved with conversation and lingers over situations you can't change. Anger that sits on simmer, even when you're happy.)

Anger can feed denial because if we're angry enough then "We're fine!!" Anger can mask that we aren't fine, at all. This is anger and denial in one big suck cake. I've been there. I feel you. 

Bargaining (negotiating) is the "if only" part of healing. It's where we say, "If I'd only done....".  "If I'd only been more..."  "If only...."  It's the place where guilt lives and guilt will convince you that if you bargain long enough and well enough, you'll be fine. Everything will be fine. Just ask the woman/man who lives with an alcoholic.

Bargaining is the place we make up scenarios that change the outcome. We negotiate to pretend that we are in control or that if we'd had more control and been more controlling, things would have worked out differently. It's a fairy tale. It's a lie. But, it is also necessary so that we can heal. We have to feel what we're feeling!!

Bargaining was hard for me because I am a recovering control freak. Bargaining almost always returns me to anger, so I have to be careful with "if only". I'm also realist, so the "if only" part of grief pissed me off. I knew I couldn't change the past but... "if only" tries to creep in and old patterns try to take up residence. It's a trap I hate but one every grieving, hurting person must face. 

Bargaining can become heavier than lead. The fantasy of all we "could have" done differently can weigh us down with such force it gets hard to breath. This sets us up for Depression and Sadness.

See how all this works in a big, ugly circle? You have to see it first and then FEEL it. Feeling it will help you release it, but try to cut off the "what if's..." when they come. The past is unchangeable, but the future is right now and in your grasp. Cheesy and still true. 

Depression is a common word these days. No depression feels common. It feels like crap. This stage can range from a sad feeling to a black hole inside to someone being unable to function. 

You need to be self-aware here. Depression comes in many, many forms and can be a place to heal or a place so dark you must seek help immediately. It also tends to circle back around in times of deep grief and mourning and, for me, just after times of intense happiness (this truth is a completely different post and one of the things that once made me a porcupine).

Depression is a sneaky bastard. One day you're fine and then...BAM. One tiny thing happens and depression will take up residence.

Depression is also the thing that can numb you to the feelings you need to feel to get healthy. Numbness is necessary sometimes, but be wary if it lingers. 

Feelings aren't your enemy. Feelings are important flags on the journey that let us know what we need if we're brave enough to ask but some feelings like "what if..." are liars. Constant feelings of inadequency are also liars. It takes practice and deliberate focus to learn the difference.

It's important to take inventory, even on the really bad days.  If you're too numb for too long, you walk right off the path and down a slippery slope.

Here's a hint about the slope and it's a little sassy: Depression is BORING. My God, it's boring. If you think watching someone not be able to get out of bed is as awful as watching grass grow, you should try being that person! (don't actually do that) 

Depression will not only incapacitate you, it will bore you right into misery that makes the slippery slope look better. Recognize, ya'll. See the truth and then speak it. Depression is a liar. Remember that.

And finally, there's Acceptance (or Peace). I think this one is a step by step process all on it's own and I am not there in lots of ways, yet. I don't feel really capable of speaking about acceptance, so I'm going to give you what I've learned and leave it there.

I think you can accept certain pieces on the spectrum of grief, pain and loss, without being fully accepting of what caused those things. For me, acceptance has been a slow process and, some days, I'm just not there. I can live with that right now.

Here's where I am with it: 

I accept that I am a child of God. I am a beloved child of God. So is everyone else.

I accept that life is a journey. A true, real journey. Pain and Grief are as much a part of that journey as Love and Joy. They are teachers, not enemies.

I accept that everything I've ever lost has claw marks on it. Detaching and letting go is HARD for me. I feel and think very deeply and I accept that I probably always will. These are traits I accept and love about myself.

I accept that I am learning and growing.  Learning has always mattered to me. Growing is beginning to matter to me. These are good things. Light in a sometimes dark world. There is more light than darkness.

I accept that I may never understand many things I'd hoped to understand. I don't love this truth, but I do fully accept it. Some things will be mysteries forever. I think that may be a blessing.

I accept that I am the boss of me and only I can take the steps to grow and heal myself. I am not necessarily in control of what happens around and to me, but I am where I am because of my choices. Childhood is over. I can't blame that for my decisions today. I am an adult and I am capable of walking away, detaching, letting go, healing, seeking help and making better choices. Me, and only me, gets to decide what I am willing to accept into my life. 

If I am surrounded by emotional succubus, that's because I let them in. If I am surrounded by kind, healthy, fun people, that's because I let them in. That's hard truth, but it is absolute truth.

I accept that I am not the boss of anyone else, including my children and my husband. Controlling behavior is a sign that you are dealing with something deeper, as well as a maturity issue. You aren't the boss of anyone else. The end. If your kids are 18 or older, you aren't the boss of them and even if they are under 18 you are only a little bit the boss of them. You are controlled by everything you try to control outside of yourself.

I accept that I am imperfect and flawed and forgiving myself is as important as forgiving others.

That's about all I've got, so far. 

But, I'm still on the path. Even if, some days, the path is strewn with litter and curse words. Even if, some days, the path is dark and scary. 

Even if, some days, I simply breathe.

Today, that's enough. 

My quills are slowly disappearing and my heart is opening. Mostly. 

Amen. 
K

Audacious

I shared this post on Facebook yesterday. I was blown away by how many people read it and then sent me either private emails or direct messages. I cried because so, so many of us are hurting and we don't feel safe to share that we're hurting.

We don't feel assured that we will be loved in spite of our pain.

We are ashamed that we're in pain. When did that become truth for us? When did we become a people who regards false strength as something to worship and achieve instead of loving people where they actually are even if where they are is a deep, dark pit? 

So many people are hiding who they are because they are afraid. Their fear and shame has defined them. That makes my heart weigh about 1000lbs.

So many people are hiding because there are always those people like the "1" email I received that told me they'd be praying for me because, obviously, my faith wasn't strong enough to "get over it". Seriously, thanks for the prayers. You won't ever waste one on me.  

Then, I started reading between the lines of these emails and messages I was getting. There's this undercurrent in every one of them that says maybe God doesn't love me if I'm this way.What is "wrong" with me? Why can't I "just be joyful"? Why can't we all "just get over it"?  Even the one from the person who thinks someone can pray off everything wrong on this plane of existence and we can all run through the tulips together.

And that pissed me off. Not at the sweet people writing me letters, but at the lies they'd believed. 

How do we counter lies? With truth. That stuff will set you free!

So here's what I believe:

We're God's children. He LOVES us. All of us. NO ONE is excluded. He loves us just like we are, right where we are today. Period. You can't be badder than God's goodness and love. You can't be bigger than God's heart. I KNOW this.

I have four kids and I love them. Do I always love what they do? No. Absolutely no, but I love them with a wholeness that can not be reduced. Nothing can reduce the love I have for my children and I KNOW that God loves me and the entire world even more than I love my kids.

He is bigger and cooler and truer and better and more everything than I will ever even glimpse in anyone on this plane, so if I can love my kids this way, I know that God loves His kids in a way I will never understand in its fullness.

So, I wonder...

I wonder if these sweet women who sent me those heart wrenching emails and posts believe, like I believed for a LONG time, that God is just waiting to bring the hammer down because they "aren't doing it right". I mean, when I struggle, my first thought is that I am not doing this right and something is horribly wrong with me. I know now that that is a lie, and yet I still struggle with that truth.
 
Sometimes, I imagined God just waiting on me to get to heaven so he could judge me and tell about all the blessings I missed because I wasn't perfect down here. I've heard that preached from a pulpit.

Perfectionism is something I struggle with every single day of my life and have for as long as I can remember so I tend to project that thought onto pretty much everyone I meet. I had to be perfect and do life perfect, whatever the hell that even looks like.

Life is hard. It isn't hard because I am doing something wrong or awful and God isn't waiting to beat me over the head with divine judgement. 

He already did that to Jesus in my place. 

God is waiting on me to accept His grace and do the very best I can right now and He will walk with me and not leave me in the dark because He knows the dark scares the Holy right out of me. 

We are not going to get to heaven and God point to the divine calendar and show us all the dumb things we've ever done and all the blessings that we've missed. I do not believe that because God is good. God is FOR ME. God gave His Son for me. He LOVES ME RIGHT NOW JUST LIKE I AM.

When my kids get hung up on their mistakes, you know what I do? I listen, let them know I heard them and, yes, they made a mistake and then I remind them of that time they gave up their seat for an elderly person. I remind them of the time they spent 30 minutes picking me the PERFECT bouquet of flowers (weeds!) and made my entire day. I remind them of how courageous they are and how gentle they are and how joyful they are and how much I love them. I tell them truth. They are not defined by every mistake they make!

How can I not believe that God will do even better than that when I go to Him and say, "DID YOU SEE THAT GOD? How can this ever be made right. I am so awful"?!  

How can I not believe that God won't say, "Yes, honey. I saw that. It was a tough day. Do you remember that day that was even harder and you were still kind and gentle and prayerful?"  

And He'll smile at me and hold me close, because He is a good Father. He isn't waiting to punish us. He's waiting to love us.

He reminded me just yesterday that I didn't give up. Not on my husband or my friends or my babies or myself and, most importantly, I didn't give up on Him.

And He never ever gives up on me or you or anyone else. Like every parent, He remembers every tear and every kindness. He isn't waiting to punish us. He's waiting on us to come get a hug.

If that hug precedes a Lexapro and a good hard cry on the bathroom floor or something else we're told repeatedly to feel horrible about, God isn't loving you based on you.

He is loving you based on Jesus. 

You get to be imperfect and broken and still be loved. So does everyone else.

For God so loved THE WORLD. The entire, whole world just like it is was right then even when they hung His only kid on the cross. Actually, especially when they hung Jesus on the cross.

We aren't bigger than that. Our pain and our hurt and our joy and our heartache and our laughter and our lives and our good deeds and our mistakes aren't bigger than that. Thank God!

Love, K

 ps...even if you don't believe this today because the lies are big and loud right this minute, it's OK. You're OK. Maybe even audacious because you're still fighting and I believe God loves audacious people and scared people and sad people and all the people. All the time. He is to be revered for that reason more than all the other reasons. Amen.

Losing My Religion

I'm tired of religion. I'm even more tired of religious people. 

The Pharisees were religious. They were the only people Jesus couldn't reach when his sandals met this dusty Earth. Man, did they tick Jesus off!  And Jesus really ticked them off, too!

The Pharisees are perfect examples of religious people being "right" and still being wrong. The Pharisees were more concerned with being right than they were the people they were trying to reach.  

The Pharisees would leave a hungry man on the side of the road if they thought he was wrong enough. 

The Pharisees taught about God, but they didn't love Him. 

They're the perfect example of religious people believing they are doing good things while sitting in their glass houses and missing God as He walks right up and talks with them.  (Literally)    

....Please God, don't let me miss you. Ever...Please.... 

I'm tired of religious people arguing about things that Jesus didn't argue about or care about or didn't really even seem to notice very much. I know those people because I used to be one of them. 

I'm tired of religion being in the news.  

I'm tired of people expecting the government to spread the Gospel because they're too busy to do it, or too lazy. 

Something about all that fatigue is opening my eyes to something I'm not tired of, though: 

The Cross and Jesus. 

The fuzzier religion gets, the clearer Jesus gets. He gets more lovely and more gracious. 

The farther away I get from religion, the closer I get to the voice that says to me:  "Do not be afraid."  "Love your neighbor as you love yourself".  

The farther I get from religion, the closer I get to the voice that consistently said, "I am willing", even when no one else was. 

The cross is divisive, isn't it?  It's not pretty and sweet, with nice little hymns playing in the background and civilized little cups of grape juice being passed around. 

 The cross causes us to change if we've ever stopped long enough to look at it and see God hanging there in our place.  We either feel humility and repentance call our name or anger and hate and disbelief.  

Some try to explain it away or work really hard to deserve it. God says we are to allow God to bleed out for us and gasp His last breath in our place and accept a gift we simply are not worthy of receiving.  

Religion spends a good bit of time telling people that Sunday from 10am till noon and, possibly, from 6pm till 8:30pm the Holy Spirit will show up at so and so address. Show up. It'll be a fun time!  And God weeps.

Jesus showed up every day of the week, at all hours of the day and night to love on people and serve them and listen to them.  He still does that, even if you haven't stepped foot in a building with a steeple in decades. 

Jesus showed up on the doorsteps of sinners.  He showed up where they were. 

God busted out of meeting in a box more than 2000 years ago when He nailed Himself to a cross so we'd have a chance at redemption.

Religion spends entirely too much time and money on new programs and equipment and fancy pews and fancy buses with graphically designed slogans on the side and big screen TV's and sound systems when all they really need is Jesus and grace.  

When what we all need is nothing more than Jesus and grace. Amazing, sweet grace...

Smaller churches spend a lot of time trying to catch up to the big churches and big churches spend millions to stay big.  I mean, they're reaching people, right?  

I suppose some do, but then the cycle starts over and something is missing in most religious places. It's missing. It's missing because church isn't a building.  It's missing because religion is not Jesus.

I'm tired of religion. 

I want Jesus. 

I want to tell people about Jesus. 

I want them to know that sin is a condition. 

Sin isn't just things that we do, like lying and lusting and cheating and pride. Sin is a condition.  We want what we want when we want it and we'll tell ourselves anything to think we're better than "that guy" or "that girl".  

All of us.  We tell ourselves whatever we need to tell ourselves to avoid the truth that we need Jesus and that is all. That. Is. All.

God doesn't quantify sin, either.  Humans do that.  Lying and pride and gossip are equal to lust and adultery and murder.  Sin is a condition. We all are suffering from that condition equally.

Religion will try it's best to tell you that one is worse than the other because religion has nothing to do with Jesus.  Religion has nothing to do with truth.  

Truth, by its very definition, is exclusive, by the way. 

The compelling truth of the cross will attract all kinds of cynics.  I have no interest in arguing with them.  

The compelling truth of the cross will attract all kinds of mockery and scorn.  I'm OK with that. It's tough and humbling to truly see the hard truth that we aren't in control of our own destiny.  It's hard to stop and look at our own lives and recognize that we are not in control. Of anything. 

Oh, yes....we can make choices or go right or go left, but we have no control of where those choices lead or how they turn out.  If we did, we'd all be blissfully happy all the time with no worries and every choice we'd ever made would have lead us right back to happy and wealthy and healthy and whole.  But, they didn't, because we aren't in control.  And that's a humbling thing. So, bring on the mockery and scorn. 

The cross holds the greatest claim in history and that claim wasn't this:  Religion and rules and laws will save you! God did that first to SHOW you those things didn't work.  Ever. Those things make your sin heavy and real so you know you can't bear it.  You can't bury it. 

You can't live through sin.

The cross holds the greatest claim in history that is THIS:

The greatest claim in history is that God died with your sins strapped around his neck. He died. All the way.  

But, death could not claim Him. He rose. He slew death like a boss.  

The sinLESS wrapped Himself in the sinFUL and He OVERCAME.  

He threw off sin and shame and found joy because He loves His creation. He loves His creation just like it is right now.  

He DIED for His creation just like it is right now.  We aren't surprising Him!  And still...while we were sinners, He loved us.

And He rose. He extended His hand and said, "I love you. Now go and tell the world. It will be hard and it will be scary, but don't be afraid. I've got this. All you have to do is tell them and leave the rest to me."

Jesus said, don't be afraid.  I overcome the world. Now go. Tell them I love them and I'll be back.

And LOVE THEM THE SAME WAY I HAVE LOVED YOU. 

...the same way that He loved me...

...the same way that He loved me...

...Do you know all the things I've done, Jesus? Do you know all the horrific things I've thought and said and done?...

...Yes, I do...Every. Single. One.

...And you love me all the way, anyway?...

...Yes...All the way...

The Pharisees talked a lot about being clean and pure and holy.  They talked a lot about laws and religious ceremony.  But, they had no concern for the heart of a person or loving people or showing mercy or grace. 

They were more concerned with the temple than the One the temple housed.

The most religious people of Jesus' day blocked the door to God Himself.  The writer of the Law, the Creator Himself, was not good enough for religious men.

Religion isn't about plays and meetings and even Bible studies with sweet groups of men and women.  It's not about us, at all. 

It's about the cross.  It's about grace and love. It's about accepting a gift and then sharing that priceless gift.

It's about Jesus.

And it's time we said so.  

Praise for the Pain and Letting it Go!

Letting go is probably the hardest thing in the world for me to do. Letting go feels like I'm ripping off some vital organ and beating myself with it.  Who knows?  Maybe I was.

 I used to take the worst relationships in my life and cling to them like they were the last crack dealer on the entire planet and I was a hard core addict. 

Part of what makes it hard for me to let go of anything is flat out co-dependency, which I have in spades. Ask a codependent to fix something relationally broken and watch them break out into a cold sweat of pure longing while their broken interior voice whispers maliciously into their ear that if they fix it...then they will be loved.

Psychology says this is typically because co-dependents view others behaviors as a reflection of their self-worth.  In other words, if I can fix this, THEN you'll love me.  If I can be "good enough", THEN you'll love me.  If you can accept me, THEN I'll be good enough. This is not love. This has nothing to do with love.  This is the opposite of love.

 But, the other part that makes letting go of bad relationships very hard for me is that I've been listening to the world's idea of what I should be doing for a very, very long time.  I want my life to look like what it "should" look like.  I was taught that how things look matters.  A lot.

 I wanted my life to look like a beautiful rainbow of peace, fun, loud mouthed family meals and people who love me with the same rabid passion that I loved them. I wanted them to trust in my goodness and love as much as I trusted in theirs. 

When people that you trust and love don't trust in your goodness and love, then you begin to question if you have goodness and love in you. This is crippling. This will cost you thousands of dollars in therapy later in life. Trust me on that. 

 I want the people in my life to think the same happy thoughts for me that I think for them. I want them to include me in the same way that I include them.  This is dangerous territory.

Learning that you must let go of those relationships, possibly even the idea of those relationships, will free you and cause you intense pain. Intense pain that must be endured to heal and come out the other side more whole than you've ever been up to this point.

Alas, one of the reasons it's been so quiet around here is that I've been dealing with loss and I don't deal with loss very well.  Frankly, I suck at it. 

I don't want to lose anything. Ever. I want to WIN!  I want to win at everything all the time in every way that winning can happen, especially when it comes to loving someone and having them love me in return. 

But, here's the thing:  Winning relationally had a very specific pictorial set-up in my head. What my relationships "should" look like had blinded me from seeing how they actually WERE. This is dangerous territory and every therapist, even the bad ones, agree on that. 

Refusing to see the reality of the relationships in your life is dangerous territory, no matter who that relationship is with.

Life HAD to look like that picture in my head or I wasn't OK!!  I was happily willing to lie to myself about the health of a relationship if it meant the relationship wasn't over yet. 

So, I've had to re-learn what relational winning looks like because the way it looked in my head was entirely different than what was happening in my life and it caused me intense pain for a long, long time. Pain that opened the door for me to be abused and mistreated. The pain of staying in the relationship finally became more than the pain of losing the relationship.

God Himself says that if you do not honor the relational rules He has laid out as acceptable, then you may not enter His house.  He still loves and He still cares, but there are boundaries.

So, I took a step back. (the first step is ALWAYS the hardest, by the way)  Then recently, I took another step back.  And suddenly, the picture becomes more clear, more manageable.  More healthy.  More true.   

And I realized that I cannot love anyone if I am not loving myself.  Loving myself includes removing people from my life who are either incapable of loving me or unwilling to love me. 

It does not mean that I wish them ill-will.  It doesn't mean I don't care for them. It simply means that I am choosing to limit the access certain people can have in my life and into my heart.  It means that I am the boss of me and as an adult it is my responsibility to take care of myself.  

Once that decision was made in my heart, it was like the sun came out from a long, gray winter and spring was near. 

Not long now...

I realized that I am surrounded by love.  

My incredible husband and our four precious children. They love me.  They love me fully and allow me to love them fully.

My absolutely bombastic friends who are there for me in a "we're going to rise together" kind of way.

A cousin whom I love like a true sister and I know she loves me that way in return. We have been friends and soul sisters since we were children playing together at our grandmother's home more than 40 years ago. She knows me all the way down to my deepest heart and she still looks at me like I'm better than chocolate. 

That same cousins children, who are very much like my own. They make my heart actually sing they are such fabulous young people.

 My church family who seriously should win some kind of award for being the most awesome church family in the history of church families.  It's like the church family lottery up in here, people.

Some homeschooling mothers who are always, always encouraging and uplifting and inspiring to me. Every. Single. Time. 

Another cousin who models what a loving aunt truly is.  She brings me to tears with the genuine affection she consistency showers on her two nephews. She values them in much the same way she values her own two boys and it's positively a beautiful thing. 

I had been surrounded by real, true love all this time that I'd been chasing love from people who simply cannot love me right now.  I had been telling myself that it was all my fault that they did not love me.  It was my fault that they simply did not like me.  

And the truth is that maybe it is my fault.  Maybe who I really am is simply not the kind of person that they can love or like very much.  That's OK.

The harsher truth is that I don't like them very much, either. I had to learn that that was absolutely OK, too. 

 I love me. I like me. And I am surrounded by love.

I am surrounded by people who know me intimately and who allow me to love them with crazy passion and joy.  There is no fear involved in loving the people that I have chosen to allow into my life.  THAT is what love should look like.

Pain will always accompany letting go and loss, though. I think it should.  

Praise should accompany the pain.  Praise that we have loved someone. Praise that we still love them, even if it's from afar and the relationship is gone. 

And then the pain begins to lesson because love is forever, even when it isn't. 

This is Grace. This is still Love. 

On Patience...

Patience is a virtue.  The patience of Job. (Ya'll, I have read Job and he was NOT that patient!) Just be patient.  I've heard the word patience all my life and I've lacked it equally as long. Or at least, I thought I did. The truth is, I didn't understand what patience meant until I decided to listen closer to what God had to say about it.

I always thought that patience was waiting for something. Just wait. I don't know what that something was or even what it looked like, but I was waiting. Waiting to be better, to be smarter, to be more successful, to be a better mother, a better friend, a better wife. Waiting to be...more. More of something. Anything. 

If I worked harder, longer, smarter, surely that something would come and so I did all those things, but something was always missing. And so I waited some more.

The problem was that while I was waiting I was looking ahead, as far as I could see anyway. I was planning, plotting, thinking, dreaming, hoping. And sometimes I was mad.

While I was looking ahead and being a little mad, I was missing the beauty, the meaning, of now. I was missing what patience really means and the lessons that being patient brings to the one who is waiting. I was missing that being patient doesn't mean that we always have longing or lack.  

I wasn't waiting patiently. I was just waiting. And in the waiting I missed the beauty, the present, the now. I was missing the gifts of the moment and the heart of what patience really means. I was missing that waiting produces fruit, but the kind of fruit it produces depends on the heart of the one doing the waiting.

Patience means that I stop white knuckling my way through this whole waiting thing and just relax. Trust God. Believe that He has my life, my beginning, my end.  He knows what He's doing and I can stop enduring the things in life that I don't do a happy dance over and embrace every moment as one that He has divinely allowed and let go. 

I am not in control, but instead, He is. I am not controlling anything and I don't have to be controlled by everything. I can let go. I can be patient. I can wait. I can wait with eyes fixed forward, but my heart in the now and still full of hope for the future.

Patience is not self-control and it's certainly not "other control".  It's not biting my tongue, or enduring attacks, holding back every desire or pretending humility in the waiting.  It's turning my life over to God and trusting...all the way trusting....that no matter what happens God is in control and He has got this. It's not judging every moment, every action, every thought. Patience is turning my life over to God Himself, no matter what happens, and being joyous in the release. 

I'm not there yet, but my knuckles aren't white anymore, either. I'm getting there...

God's Plans vs Man's Plans

I read a Twitter post the other day that made me think. Really think. I love when that happens. This was the post:

"We should remind ourselves daily, because we are so prone to forget, that the power of God so often looks like weakness, like folly."

Not long ago, I saw this on Pinterest:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

Both of these quotes rang true for me. I think we humans tend to plan our lives according to what we believe a "successful" life should look like and then we fully expect that plan to happen. I know I did! We make plans, dang it. We have lists! We have expectations and goals and dreams! 

And then there's the real plan. The one God has for you. In my experience, my plan and God's plan look absolutely nothing alike. (I'm pretty sure God laughed at my plan, but he was hugging me while he was chuckling.) They are the antithesis of one another, usually. 

Very often, God's plan is SCARY.  It's not normal, for Pete's sake!  It's craziness. I mean, just look at what he's asking me to do! What He is asking me to give up! There is no way I can make MY plan happen if I follow this madness. I'm gonna be broke on that plan,too, God.  People are gonna think I'm crazy, Lord. Did you look at this carefully, God?  It's impossible.

"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."  Mathew 19:26

So, I started reading the Bible and looking for proof that man's plans look good, while God's plans look crazy.  I knocked on God's door and He opened it wide for me. (I love when He does that.)

God told Abraham to leave his home and go to a place that God didn't even bother to name. God told Abraham that he'd give him this unnamed land and he'd have more descendents than stars.  Abraham was married to Sarah, but they were old and childless. The Bible doesn't tell us how Sarah reacted, but she went with Abraham. (I think she thought he was probably a little crazy, but was up for a little adventure in her old age. And still...she went.) Abraham fathered a nation and God gave him a new country to call his own.  How much you wanna bet that wasn't what Abraham had on his to-do list and lots of people thought he was a little cray-cray?

King David's Daddy, Jessie, didn't even bother to call him in from the fields when Samuel showed up looking for the person God told him would be the King of Israel.  David's own DADDY thought his youngest son didn't have what it took, so he just left him out in the fields while he brought all his other boys in to be looked over by Samuel.  Don't you know he thought it was pure foolishness for Samuel to pick his baby boy?  God's plan looked like folly to Jessie and maybe David's brothers, too.  King David kind of rocked the socks off being King, even though he was a hot mess like the rest of us. And the real kicker is that David loved the Lord with his whole heart. God even called David a "man after My own heart."  Not so foolish now, huh, Dad?

Paul was a rabbi and if you've ever done five seconds of studying Jewish history on rabbinical training, you know it wasn't a cush childhood. The parents of the would be rabbis had plans for them, people! The trade off for all that training and working and learning and studying was that rabbi's were given all kinds of mad respect and they got to make lots of rules that other people had to follow. I'd imagine once the hard core training was over, it felt pretty good being a rabbi. 

Paul was just a person and I don't know a single human who doesn't like a little power in their lives. We're just wired up that way. And then, Paul met Jesus. And he was changed and people in his sphere of influence (and some outside of it) thought Paul had lost his mind. Some probably even thought he was weak and had lost his way. They thought he was foolish. But, God had a different plan for Paul that only LOOKED like folly to human eyes. 

Human's have bad spiritual vision. People have a basic need to be liked and thought well of by others and we naturally want life to be easy, planned. God's plans foil even the best laid human plans, though. God's plans make us look weak and nobody really likes that feeling, do they?  Following God's plan is hard because it means we have to lay down OUR plans and that's just not fun times. We human beings like fun times and easy sailing.  

Ask Abraham or Moses or Paul or David or Stephen or even Jesus if God's plans are easy sailing. Jesus had to walk away from people to keep going about His Father's business and His Father's plans.  He had to walk away from family and friends and even had a cousin that he loved beheaded because that cousin was following God's plans. God's plans stressed him so much he was sweating blood as he asked His Father to re-think the plans that had been laid before the foundation of the world.  

"Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."

 

If we're to succeed according to God and not man, then we have to admit to ourselves that we may want other people's approval and we may want other people to agree with God's plans for us, but that may not happen. It more than likely WON'T happen. And that's OK. We just have to remember that God works differently than we do.  He thinks differently than we do because He can see the whole picture, the big picture. He can see the beginning and the end before the beginning or the end even happens. (There is comfort there, people!! He already knows!)

 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

I want to say that I'm not suggesting that us human beings never set out to do God's will, thinking we're REALLY doing His will, and we're not even close to the ballpark, much less in the game.  What I'm saying is that when we know that we know that we know that we are doing what God has placed before us, when we must lay down our plans and our will and our lives to do what He has asked us to do, don't expect a lot of applause or agreement from other humans. It's probably not going to happen. What WILL happen is a relationship with God that will blow your mind.  What will happen are all the things that you never thought of or dreamed of or believed was even possible. 

"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."  1Corinthians 2:9

No matter what plans we make, they will never, ever trump God's plans for those that love him. Man may not applaud you or agree with you as you walk out your salvation with fear and trembling, but the relationship you gain with God, and even the new relationships you build as you walk your new path, trusting God to show you the way, will blow your mind. When we are weak, He is strong. When we humble ourselves, God's hand will move. And there is zero foolishness in that scenario.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

What is a Friend?

Over the last year, God has brought friendship into my life. 

In my youth, friendship had no real impact on my life and no true depth. Friends were those people I hung out with, gossiped with and those that allowed me to be part of their pack. There was a kind of gratefulness in me that I wasn't alone in my shenanigans but no connection that touched the places I kept the most secret, the most hidden. There was no real reciprocation of love, of sharing, of knowing. In fact, I worked pretty hard to make sure that the truest parts of me were hidden from those that I called friend. (I mean, what if they didn't want to be my friend if they REALLY knew me!  I was messed up, OK?)

In my young adulthood and into my 30's (yep, I am THAT old) I had one friend that I connected with, but to be frank I was never welcomed fully into her life for one reason or another.

I went through an intense year of therapy a few years back and I learned that I often pick people to befriend or hang around with who take from me gratefully but rarely pour into me with equal gratefulness. That's how I made sure I never fully connected and made fulfilling friendships, which, incidentally, meant they were always just a little unfulfilling, even if both of us in the friendship were doing the best we could do at the time.

But, I desperately wanted friendship. So, my therapist challenged me to stop calling everyone, stop taking lunch over "to visit" with people, stop inviting everyone. Stop accepting that they're "busy" and their lives are so much fuller than mine that they couldn't make an hour to connect with me. Just stop. 

My therapist encouraged me to take a five week break from connecting with others and note those that called me, brought lunch over to visit with me, sought me out, asked about me, openly wondered where I'd gone. This was NOT an exercise in seeing who would chase me down. This was an exercise for me to see if what I felt aligned with reality. (How we feel isn't always the truth, in case you didn't know. That was a therapy lesson for me, too.)  That lesson was HARD, but eye-opening. It was a time of deep reflection on what I'd been willing to accept relationally. This was a learning lesson about ME. I learned fully that love is not a feeling. It is an action.

My sweet cousin, who I consider as much a sister as a friend, called within 3 days to find what the heck was wrong with me and let me know she missed me.  She wanted to get together that weekend.  That wasn't really a surprise as she already reciprocated my affection and friendship. What was surprising is that all the other people I called friend were absent for more than four of those five weeks and when I did hear back from them it was a text asking a question or needing advice. That was their choice and that's OK.  No one is required to include me (or you) in their lives. Consequently, I (you, too!) am not required to include them in mine. That was a moment of freedom and sadness, in equal measure. I still care for those people, but they are not the kind of friends that I need and what I need matters, too. (That's a deep lesson right there, in case you missed it.) 

I went through a period of time where Loneliness took up residence beside me and hugged me like an old pal. I prayed for God to send me friends who love me without apologizing for me and my quirks. I prayed for friends I could love, respect and admire. I prayed for friends who weren't afraid to tell me when I was being a jerk but loved me right through my jerkiness.  Friends who not only know my fears and my flaws and my heartaches, but friends who celebrate my joy and my successes and my abilities.  Friends who encourage me to grow and pursue whatever God has in front of me with all the drive and ambition I can muster. Friends who rejoice with me and cry with me for no other reason than because they love me. Friends who want to visit with me and expect me to visit with them in return.

This morning, one of those friends invited the group God has placed in my life for this season (please, Lord, I'm asking that this season be a long, long, long one) to breakfast at her house.  That sweet friend cooked for us, wrote sweet, individual notes for every person present and served us with joy and compassion. She decorated the table for us and used beautiful china that made me feel beautiful, too.  She is everything I admire in a person and epitomizes Christ with skin on, to me.  She inspires me and encourages me to be a better person without judging me when I'm not.  She loves people in a way I have only EVER seen in her and I am praying that God shows me how to love people in that way, using my own personal talents and skills. I love her.

Two of the other ladies who were present know me.  Really, really know me. I went to high school with one of them, so we have a long history that makes us comfortable in a way that's kind of more awesome than chocolate but we weren't true friends until the last 6 months or so.  I'm so grateful for her. She is honest and funny and quirky and lovely and she makes me feel happy and safe and like I can be exactly what I am with no apologies. She is a fabulous example of what someone with a forgiving heart looks like and a walking example of the restorative love that only Christ can bring. I love her. 

One of the other ladies who shared breakfast with us is someone I've known for a long time. In true hurting hearts form, we circled each other for a while before we decided we might like each other. (she kind of didn't like me at first and I don't remember if I liked her or not when we first met because I don't remember exactly first meeting her...that's how I roll, y'all. Captain Oblivious.)  But then, at some point, we talked. Then we laughed. Then, we stopped circling and started seeing. Then we loved each other. And then we trusted each other and that's the real stuff right there, folks. We are a lot alike, even though most people would miss that about us. She calls me on my crap and trusts me to call her out on hers, too. She is hard-working, funny, honest and real. I love her. 

All three of these women inspire me to be a better mother, a better wife and, most importantly, a better version of myself.  They don't want to change or fix or crowd.  They just love and I get to love them in return.

So for all that rambling, what is a friend?  It's hard to define, isn't it? I suspect it's different for each of us, but we all have a few parts that look the same. It's not just a companion. My dog is a companion. We NEED real relationships with real people. We NEED people. We NEED people who see us and know us and love us, anyway.  We need the opportunity to love the people in our lives with our whole hearts and trust that they love us back and they take the time to SHOW us that love without judgment or harm.  We need to be able to share with the people in our lives and know that they honor the sharing. A friend is someone who sees all of you and loves you like what they see is wonderful and fabulous and good. That's a friend and I have them. I am giddy with that knowledge, people.

 I pray that every single person reading this knows the truest Friend and that He sends you a few precious, beloved friends who love you in the way you need to be loved.


"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart."  1 Peter 1:22

Mercy and Peace

James 2:13 says, "Because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!"  This verse in the Scriptures both soothes and scares me at the same time.

Mercy is hard for us flawed humans and forgiving someone who has genuinely wronged me feels almost insurmountable at times.  However, I know myself and all that God has forgiven me for and it's enough to make me cringe.  Therein lies the conundrum. 

I have an opportunity very soon to host someone in my home who, less than a year ago, told an outright lie about me. I don't mean they exaggerated; I mean they lied. They slandered me and they did it in writing. I felt like crud, I was shamed (why do we feel that when we didn't do anything?!) and I was angry, but that's not all. (it never is, is it?)  I did the thing that is my fleshly response to being wronged...I acted like a complete jerk, became sanctimonious and made the situation much worse. Much worse meaning to about the 100th power, in case you were wondering. Basically, I showed no mercy.  Zero. Because, you know...I was "right". So not awesome.

How in the world did this person get an invite to my home, you may ask?  They didn't, at least not directly. God has placed a group in my home that comes as much a shock to me as to anyone else. I'm still a little flummoxed by it, but my spirit is fully at rest, so I'm believing that God is working. When the invite went out to others in my group, it never once...not ever...occurred to me that this person may respond, along with others, that they would love to attend. We will be praying for our homes, our children and our families. We are lifting up our children and our schools. We are believing that God will move and my deepest held desire is that Christ will show up and be glorified in every word, every action and every thought. And then that email reply from her showed up and my heart sank. And once again, I felt like crud. I didn't want her to be there. How was I supposed to pray and honor God when my heart wants to be merciless and cruel?  How was I supposed to honor Christ when what I really wanted to do was break bad and rip into this woman who told lies about me?

I couldn't and I can't.  But, He can.  He can soften my heart and make my motives pure.  He reminds me of who I am in HIM, not who I am when I allow others to define me or even who I am when my flesh takes over and I do ugly things to other people. He reminds me that mercy does not come from anything having to do with me. It flows from Him. HE is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Him. Not me. It isn't about me.  Allowing someone else's actions to define me or control me clouds my vision and makes me want to manipulate and harm someone who is obviously already hurting.  It reminds me that while she lied about me, I was verbally cruel and downright mean.  How am I "better" than her, regardless of how the whole thing started?  I'm not. But He is.

The best part of taking a breath and bowing my will to Him?  Something is happening in me. My anger at her is going away.  My hurt is slowing fading and I'm starting to see that I wasn't hurt nearly as much as she was hurt. Sin is heavy and it's awful. And what's more, I get an opportunity to serve someone who I would never have willingly chosen to serve and something about that is changing me, too. I can't even articulate it, but it's happening.  I want a relationship with Christ and one of the things that I'll be praying about at this meeting is that my children learn to be kind and merciful because Christ was kind and merciful.  I want my kids to WANT a relationship with Christ because He loves them more than I can fathom, but also because He loves them right where they are, in all their imperfectness.  Maybe this is part of that prayer, already being answered because He already knows what I need...

In a world gone crazy, it's important that we are peacemakers.