Friday, January 17, 2014

My Life is a Mess

Mess:  The untidy state of things or a place.  That fits my life right now and I've decided to own it. (as if there is some choice to be made...) So often I long to portray a life of ease, with no mess or untidiness.  I want the world to see me as having it all together and someone who succeeds.  Too often it seems important that we portray more than what we are and it makes me sad, as well as a mess. 

Jobs are up in the air around our home and security seems far away.  Vacuuming, clothes and dust bunnies are all piling up or being ignored.  Chores seem heavy and weighted and life seems to churn at an impossible pace, whether too fast or too slow. Family members sick with diseases named, but not cured. An Uneasiness wrestles inside me, demanding to be acknowledged, confronted.  Anger is too often the companion of Uneasiness, I know this very well.  We call it venting, but it's really grace abandoned and a harsh word stirring up more anger, when gentleness is truly the answering card of love. (Prov. 15:1)  Doubt is their announcer and he trumpets with Armstrong like lungs to whisper urgently in my heart, "Did God really say...?"

Large decisions loom ahead and true to my flesh I ponder them and ponder them until they are larger than the sun and no light can pierce through my worry and imagination.  Surely, the problems are real and messy and truth.  My mind convinces me of this truth, yet still, there is a candle in my heart that will not believe that pondering is truth.  A place that understands that feelings do not manifest into reality simply because they are being felt.  This is a great Lie, my spirit says to me. 

And so I cling, in this messy life, to one Truth that is eternal and real:

Jesus, who does not leave me, and never forsakes me.  That even now, right this moment, is pleading on my behalf and loves me true, with a yoke that is light and a heart that is willing...always willing. Always knocking.  His strength is most known when I am weak and His arms are capable of holding me fully, even when I am sure I will simply slither away, unseen.  He sees. He hears. He knows. He is Faithful. He is near. The mess begins to lessen, the looming disaster shrinks and reality is made new because He lives and is Love. Joy becomes reality, Love becomes a Name, who calls me His own, and Gentleness finds its way into my heart to calm the storm and the noise. Peace, even among the mess. Perhaps, because of it...

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